A Letter of Support to Caregivers:
Changing Our Own Internal Script to Offer Ourselves Validation and Compassion
Dear You Who is Having a Really Challenging Day,
Whew, you are really in it. It may feel like a day of parenting where there is truly no end in sight. Dishes piled in the sink, baskets overflowing with laundry, and lots of big feelings and big behaviors overtaking the day. Your nervous system is, quite frankly, just straight fried. The waves of guilt about this come and go as you feel like you aren’t showing up today how you “should.”
Today may be a day where you are just feeling confused, sad, hopeless, and spent. You hear from summer camp counselors and other parents that your kid is an angel, a rule follower, so kind, a huge helper… the list goes on. You think to yourself, “oh, how I love to hear this, AND I’m so confused because these experiences feel so rare at home.” Of course your kiddo is perfectly human and they are enough just the way they are. You still leave these conversations feeling so invalidated and confused. Nobody sees what you see on a regular basis. Yes, your kid is great and always will be and some moments are just REALLY hard. You begin to irrationally think, “Am I a ‘bad’ caregiver because they only seem to do this with me?” “What am I doing wrong that everyone else is doing right?” It may feel like an anxiety spiral as you begin to question your parenting style, yourself, and playing the endless game of comparison.
You try to distract yourself or maybe just get a moment to yourself by getting on social media. This isn’t much help. Your newsfeed is a highlight reel of everyone else’s life along with all the parenting strategies from the accounts that you follow. Sure, these are very helpful at times, and today you look at them and notice everything that you aren’t doing. It reinforces your irrational thinking patterns. “Yes, I SHOULD be doing this and I’m not.” “Yes, I didn’t handle that situation this way so I, in fact, did it wrong.” You leave social media feeling not enough. Looking at everyone’s highlight reels causes you to feel shame because you feel like you are focusing only on the negatives. You feel a sense of grief as you mourn how you thought this parenting thing would go.
Sure, we all have these days. It is more than okay to have these days, these minutes, and these moments. You are seen and heard AND it doesn’t serve us to remain stuck here. Here is a way to change the script, change the narrative, and change your own viewpoint to honor your humanity and the hard work you do each day showing up over and over again.
Dear You Who is Working on Changing the Script,
Whew, you are really in it and you are reminding yourself that it is okay to feel these feelings. All of them. Whether that be frustration, stress, overstimulation, and just pure exhaustion. You know that if you try to push them away, the bigger they tend to grow. The dishes will get done, the laundry will eventually get folded, and your battery will eventually feel a little more charged. It’s okay if today is not the day for any of this. A wave of self-compassion comes as you remember that you are only one person and that you are, in fact, human too. You are showing up in your full humanity and that is enough. You are doing the very best you can with the state of your nervous system and the level of support that you have (Robyn Gobbel). These reminders help your body feel lighter, makes it easier to take a deep breath, and help you feel more connected to yourself. You know that your kiddo doesn’t need a perfect parent. That wouldn’t even be good for them. You remind them that you are just doing the very best you can to teach them how to be human too.
You welcome all the feelings of confusion, sadness, and hopelessness. You know that these are only temporary, like visitors or waves that come and go. Sometimes they stay awhile and other times they only stop to quickly pass through. You are thankful that your child feels safe enough at home to show you their perception of themselves and of their world. You remind yourself that you have created safety for your kiddo and that speaks volumes. You are able to validate yourself in these moments and provide compassion to yourself. You know that some days and moments are just harder than others. You remember that even in your moments of dysregulation, you are eventually able to make your way back to safety, connection, and regulation by repairing your relationship with your child. You are modeling how to be human and that it is okay to have big feelings and big behaviors. It is okay to have these hard moments and it is okay to not always “get it right.” Every relationship is built on rupture and repair.
You find other avenues to support your regulation to be able to connect to yourself again. Maybe you even mute the social media accounts that leave you feeling not good enough. You remind yourself that there are other ways to feel connected to others that leave you feeling confident in yourself and your abilities. Instead of social media, you text your best friend, make your favorite beverage, listen to your favorite song, or just shout “dance party” and dance with your kiddos in the middle of the living room. You find fun and playful ways to connect because these are the moments that add more regulation to the hard days. All of this decreases the irrational thoughts because you remember that the highlight reel is only just that, a highlight reel. You know that the comparison game will always lead you to feel unsatisfied because there will always be a higher bar to reach somewhere. You decide to just focus on you, your family, and remember that nobody has it all perfectly together, no matter how it may look from your perspective.
You take a deep breath and remind yourself that being human is what you are here to do and you are enough just the way you are.
Information was derived and inspired by Robyn Gobbel’s Immersion Program for Professionals. Megan Niehauser, our child mental health therapist, is currently in the 2025 cohort. Megan takes a brain and nervous system science approach to better understand big feelings and big behaviors. She ensures that caregivers feel safe, seen, and validated as they are doing the challenging work of raising tiny humans. To find support for you or your child, feel free to connect with any of our therapists at Conscious Roots Counseling in Blue Ash, Ohio.
